Gasp!

Look what I just found in the mail box...


His name is Strawberry. He just consumed a small child.

Now, I know all of you have probably seen much bigger in the dunes near Baghdad, or under a rock in Arizona, and maybe I am being a huge pussy, but this is Connecticut.  The most ferocious monster around here should be that soccer mom driving an Escalade in front of me and the largest man eaters should be Deer Ticks in the back yard.

But no, I just encountered Strawberry, in my mailbox.

He met his fate via mail box door.

Observe his abdomen. It is the size of George Washington's head.  (After crushing)

He has as much hair as I do on my back.

He had so much mass that when the door slammed shut, wedging him into the rim, it was difficult to open again.

I don't think spiders have muscles, but if he did, I think he could press more than me.

I don't know what kind of spider this is and you are welcome to speculate, please let me know, but his total body was close to the size of this quarter, and with his legspan, could easily attach himself to my face like the impregnator from Alien and suck the life out of my head.

I think I heard him scream NOOOOOO as the door slammed shut.  In a little, but deep spider voice.

I am off to Home Depot to pick up a HUGE bottle of bug killer.

Jawaballs




9 comments:

Tim said...

HOly fn sht! That is a big ass spider!
They don't scare me though. I love them. I would consider you a murderer. But since you are a loveable Jawa I won't. Awesome DVD set BTW.

TheGraveMind said...

Too small of eyes to be a jumping spider.... looks to hairy to be a common orb spider. Probably a ground dweller...
Maybe its a ...(puts on sunglasses) trapdoor spider.

Luke Reeves said...

kill it kill it die die die
i hate spiders and we get nothing like that over in the UK except when we brought a camel spider home in the fitter truck from Iraq that one met its end via I trenching shovel although it took three attempts to kill it

Spiders "BLEHGH" hairy bar stewards

Ordo Bob said...

Jesus Christ, dude. I'd move out, that spider can have the house, I'M OUT!

Wife found one about that size in our swimming pool several years back. None of us had the balls to kill it. It lived on the bottom for hours before it finally assumed dead-spider position and was fished out.

I haven't swam in there since.

John Stiening said...

I hate spiders. Buy a lot of bug killer.

SandWyrm said...

I guess that spider would seem big to a Jawa, but around here (central Indiana) it's a baby. My basement is crawling with ones twice that big (silver dollar sized), and I don't mind them at all. :)

Fonkin said...

Two words, my friend: Feign. Death.

Will Wright said...

Wolf spider they are all over the place in NY.
I once drove my bike through a web and felt it dangling off my neck.
Needless to say I crashed into a bush

artstthms said...

oh god. Will Wright. you just made me jump up and squirm and attempt to get everything off me that really isn't even there. that sounds horrific... oh god. and i actually owned tarantulas before in an attempt to not freak out so much when i see them.. it worked, marginally.

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