Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: Have a plan!

Image from theconsumerist.com

I have not had much time to endulge in this guilty pleasure do to the fact that I have been working on product for my jawa-stores, and painting my first commission. Which by the way, you can follow the progress of on my commission blog, www.jawaballs.blogspot.com I will be updating it tonight. I needed a little break, so now here come the zombies!

So I have established the ground rules... more or less. I believe that the hardest part of surviving the zombie apocalypse is the first hour of escape. I call it the Shock and Aweful phase. This is the time where you are going to be confronted with your worst nightmare come true. You may come face to face with your mother trying to eat your brains... OR you may be forced with making decisions like trying to save your girlfriend as she is enveloped by a shambling horde because she was too slow to keep up and you know you will probably be pulled down too... (Remember, most heroes are only recognized after they died being a hero.) Morale issues aside, we will assume you were at least prepared enough to get away and find a safe place. You had your ready bag ready to go, and remembered to grab it as you ducked your zombie mom and ran out the door. You found a nice place to hide for the the afternoon, got dressed, finished taking your poo and wiped your butt, and were sure to protect your body against any infections and chafing. You have analyzed your course of action for the next few hundred yards, and are ready to go commando style... using cover and speed as your friends.

What do you do now??

You need a bigger plan. Your own individual survival plan is only part of the job. What you need to do is get together with your buds and come up with a plan for prolonged survival, and count on them to stick with it. But you have to do your part. My own personal plan is to try to make it home to Upstate New York. I know, my moving to Connecticut put a big crimp in my zombie survival plans, but I am a trooper and will stick to the over all plan! They know I am probably a gonner living in such a populated zone, but I am smart and resourceful. I will survive.

So what do I do? I go to Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart has it all. That MUST be your first stop. There are two Wal-Marts nearby. (From here on known as WM) I have chosen to make the further one my destination. I can get to the closer one, but I have to cross two bridges, and go through a heavier populated area. By the way, avoid bridges... they are bottle necks... crossing a bridge in a populated area is like plopping your but next to the General's Chicken at a 4.99 Chinese Buffet.

My chosen WM is a 6 mile hike north through mostly sparse residential areas and woods. I have not actually walked it, but I have driven the route, and know the way there, and know of any fence issues I might encounter... Mind you I am not a spry and skinny teenager... There will be little fence jumping in my survival plans.

So there you go. I have kids coming in now and gotta get going. Next time, I will tell you what to do once you make it to WM! JB

Zombie Apocalypse: The First Hour

The first hour of the Zombie Apocalypse would be the most crucial and difficult to survive. Picture this... You are laying in bed taking a nap at 3 in the after noon. Then you are startled awake by a loud noise... your bed room door slamming open. Standing in the open portal is your mom, or girlfriend, or wife, or insert any loved one. In the shuttered darkness, you don't notice any thing different, until a sliver of sun shines on their sunken and blood thirsty face... then the walking corpse lunges for you...

What the heck do you do? I would have to say that 9 out of 10 times, the average Joe would bite it right here. That one percent is more lucky then smart. Maybe he wriggled away at the last minute... who knows. But just about all of us are going to rush to see what is the problem with our loved one, and find deaths embrace in that situation. I sure would. But would I? I mean, seriously, I have written this... Perhaps I would be amongst the 1 percent that stops for a split second to think "Is my pregnant girlfriend a zombie?" Oh god... Imagine the horror!!! Hell, even if you managed to survive that initial encounter... would you be able to go on? Every one of needs to do a little soul searching for that answer. But I will assume for the rest of this post, that the reader is amongst the 1%.

So, the first our of the rest of oblivion is upon you. One way or another, you know that zombies are real and ravaging your town. You may or may not have encountered loved ones in your house that have gone over. You may or may not have encountered co workers. You may be at work when you find out. Wherever you are, you need to have a plan.

If you read my first post, you should have at least two ready bags. One in your house, one in your car. This will eliminate the need for you to get to either. Cars are no good now except in rare circumstances that will be obvious. Definitely no good in a city or large town. Most obviously why is other cars. You will not be the only one trying to escape in a car. All you will be doing is joining a big long buffet line in which YOU are the General's Chicken.

In that first hour... get out. If you are in a safe place, get dressed. Put on comfortable athletic shoes, cargo pants, a heavy long sleeve shirt and get out. If you have even better stuff to put on, do so now. If you are not in a secure place, grab your ready bag, and get out. But do NOT run out into the open street! Hopefully before this time has come, you have taken a few moments to go out and size up your neighborhood. Here is what you need to have done and why:

You are escaping on foot, and escaping from a creature that does not tire, and may or may not be faster then you. If you are an average human, you can probably run 100 meters in 15 to 20 seconds. After which time you are spent. A fast human can run 100 meters in 12 to 15 seconds. A male sprinter on a track team can run it in 9 to 12 seconds. (Just so you know.) 100 meters is the length of a foot ball field, or roughly two city blocks. Your life is now measured in meters. You need to sprint from cover to cover. Do not run across open space if you do not need to. Run to an area of cover, like behind a shed, and plan out your next "Jump" while you recover from your sprint. From your area of safety, run to the next area of safety, that is roughly 50 meters away. If you are sprinting for that area of cover that is 50 meters away, and are spotted by a zombie, you will have about 50 more meters before your body grows fatigued, and you can no longer sprint. From there, your run becomes a jog, and you will probably be unable to sprint again any time soon.

Thems the numbers. Of course a lot of you are in great shape, and can maintain your sprint for hundreds of meters. You have an advantage. However, you should still only run 50m at a time and re-assess your route of escape every stop. You never know what may be around the next corner! You do not want to be spotted.

Using this "Hide and Sprint" technique, you should be able to get to a relatively safe and hidden spot where you can wait for darkness.

Oh, and if you encounter other people trying to escape, they will probably try to join you because you will obviously appear to be more prepared then they. If they are a stranger, size them up. They are either a potential partner, or potential meat. A partner is some one in the same, or better physical condition then you, and willing to take orders. No, a cute blonde does not auto qualify as a partner. You will have opportunities to assess your companion as you escape. If this person is up to the task, great! Otherwise, he is meat. Consider him a 1up. Do not hesitate to leave him behind to distract the zombies away from you. Darwinsism is now the rule of the land. Survival of the fittest. Any one that will increase your chances of death, should be discarded.

What if that person is your girlfriend/mother/sister? How many movies have you ever seen sibling or related couples survive in? Usually the more "fit" one dies first, trying to bail the weaker out of trouble. Leaving the weaker to shriek and cower while the zombies descend upon her any way. Lol. As I type this I think about my girlfriend... Pregnant, slow, and panicky. Crap... I'm screwed.

Zombie Apocalypse: Setting the rules.

So, as has already been pointed out, many people have many theories... Some published, some just lurking. In the end, I want to point out that I am writing this stuff for fun. I am not trying to compete with, contest or rewrite any books already published on the matter... Just having fun! So I don't really care for what some other author has written. I have not read the books and this stuff is purely the product of drunken ramblings that have been bouncing around my friends since the 80s with The Return of the Living Dead.

That said I have a few things to discuss. First of all, I never said that a Sledge Hammer would be an ideal weapon. It is a very UNideal weapon, except in a very few unique circumstances. I will take this opportunity to reaffirm my opinion that bladed weapons are NOT great weapons for fighting zombies. Yes, a machete is capable of hacking through an arm. But I believe that a machete has just as much chance of getting lodged in a thick upper arm bone as cleaving through it. Also, what if your swing lands in the shoulder, cleaving into and getting caught in the collar bones. A machete or any similar weapon can be good, but has just as much chance of sucking really bad, so in my previous post, I discussed what I believed ideal weapons for the casual guy trying to survive a zombie disaster.

Some guys brought up the fact that simply breaking zombie legs will not do the trick because zombies will continue to come after you. You are right about that... simply taking out a zombies legs will reduce it to a hungry crawling mewling bag of death... but that's fine! Let it drag its body after you. The point is that you are NOT fighting zombies. Hacking them apart piece by piece with a machete will not do. You have limited endurance, zombies do not. Put them down on the ground, and get away. They will no follow you once you are out of their range. Knock em down with a good solid pipe, or bat to the shin and move on. Or here is where that sledge hammer comes in... or the Axe, though I am not a huge fan of them. Some one with the light weapon takes out the legs, and his buddy follows up with a sledge to the head when you absolutely need to finish the job. Or hell, a sledge to the shoulder... It is probably an easier shot, you dont need to hack off the arm.. just destroy it.

Bottom line. Put em down, get away.

For the rest of this, I feel it is important to set up ground rules in MY zombie world. You have 3 types of zombies. The Original Dawn of the Dead, the remake Dawn of the Dead, and the 28 Days Later type. I include the last because they are zombie like, and fit the scenario, though have their very own set of rules.

So DoD orginal vs DoDr. Slow shambling things, vs dead old ladies running like olympic sprinters. In my world, zombies are some where in between. They are not super fast, though they will be as fast as the body was before it died. A 300 pound woman is NOT going to get up and do a 9.9 hundred meter and run down varsity high school football players. They are limited by flesh and bone. An arm full of broken bones cannot extend. Rotten as they may be, an arm with severed muscles cannot extend.

We will simply say that the muscles worked as they did before death, however, they do not build up lactic acid, or become exhausted, therefore a zombie can maintain its maximum speed indefinitely.

Zombies hearts do not pump, so zombies do not spurt blood. Though coagulated blood may ooze from open zombie wounds.

One can have sexual relations with a Zombie... but why would you?

Zombie bites pass on whatever it is that turns one into a zombie. The mutagen is treated as a virus. It has no cure or antidote, and will spread thruoghout the body, killing it. Do not get bitten. If you are bitten, hacking off the affected area before the blood spreads can stop you from becoming a zombie. So, if you are bitten in the forearm, you have a heartbeat or two to hack off your own arm at the elbow.

Zombies do not think or problem solve. They will not turn a door knob, but will attempt to bash the door down.

Zombies are motivated by an irrational and unnecessary desire to feed. Zombies do not need nourishment. Feeding on living human tissue satiates this need, and is the only source of "comfort" a zombie feels, but this only happens while the zombie is actually feeding. In other words, a zombie will stop to eat a victim and leave other living people alone. Once the zombie is finished consuming the living tissue, it will again go on the hunt for more tissue. A zombie will only eat said tissue while the tissue still alive. As we know, human tissues will continue living after the "death" of the human for only a few minutes. Cells will continue to live until they run out of Oxygen then die off. (This is a loose application of the laws of nature here guys, we can all just agree that flesh will continue to live until it runs out of Oxygen, at which point it dies. No need to get into arguments about how long various types of flesh can live.)

Zombies eyes work as they did before death. Zombies do not see life force. Blind zombies cannot see. Zombies will have just as hard a time spotting an Army Sniper skulking in a grassy field as a living person. Other zombie senses also work as they did before. Zombies can smell your Body Odor. They can smell your perfume. They can smell your farts. Unless the person had extreme senses, a zombie cannot track by sense. That means you can lose them pretty easily.

Zombies do not have long term memory. They exist on very short term, residual memory. If they see you, they will chase you to the best of their ability. If you turn a corner, they will follow you. If they see you go through a door, they will attempt to follow you through the door. How ever long the zombie remembers why it is trying to get through the door varies, but at some point, the zombie will have no clue why it was trying to do so. It will either continue to bash the door out of spite, pick it's nose, chase some other poor sole who happens by, or just shamble off aimlessly. They will NOT forever attempt to get into a door, or stand outside a place that they "Know" some one went into waiting for you to come out.

Do zombies retain residual "instincts" such as the mall dwellers in DoD? Sure, I can grant that. Zombies may or may not congregate in malls because that is what they used to do. It is possible that a zombie, who in life went to work every day for 30 years at the same place, attempts to go there.

Zombies do not rot. The "Virus" that causes the zombie state stops that process. Just think of it as magic. They reach a state of decay, then that process stops. A zombie standing in a field will still be a zombie standing in a field 300 years from now. However, erosion, weather, wind and all such naturally occuring decomposing elements do take effect. A zombie standing in a field will not last 300 years because the wind will buffet the flesh with sand and dirt and blah blah. You get the point.

Removing a zombies head will kill it. Shooting it in the head will kill it. Freezing a zombies 'dead' brain will kill it. Yes, the brain is dead, but still vital for zombie survival for some reason.

Zombies will freeze in the winter. If a zombies head freezes through, it will cease to be a zombie, and turn into a corpse. When it thaws, it will not reanimate. A nearly frozen zombie can thaw, and still be a zombie, going about making more zombies. Since the act of zombie movement does generate energy, and heat, then it is very hard to actually completely kill a zombie through freezing, though it is possible. But freezing will greatly reduce their ability to move. So, northern climates are ideal for surviving zombies.

Gota go, more to come.

Are you ready for the Zombie Apocalypse? Be prepared.

In my first post I talked about having your ready bag. I got a lot of response from a lot of people and thats great! To respond to a few things... first of all... having a gun in your ready bag is unreasonable. For most people, having a gun at all is unreasonable. I will keep these posts to what is reasonable and realistic. For example, some one wrote that you should master a martial art. Lol. The advice is sound, but for the average person... that is not going to happen. Time constraints, and money are two reasons. Martial arts are expensive. Plus, a lot of martial arts are based on using things like pressure points, pain and the fear of pain against your opponent. Who is to say that a maneuver that may work against some guy who is afraid of having his wrist broken will work against a zombie? It is more reasonable that you seek out a friend who does take some martial arts and have him teach you a few hold breaks. Or at best, take a local self defense class at the Y. That is the sort of approach I am taking. Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse for the average joe!

So back to my post. Be prepared! After the ready bag and lip balm. There are a few realistic things you can do to be prepared. A life changing diet is not reasonable. Of course it is healthy and smart, but preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse is not motivation enough to get us to stop eating yellow Zingers for breakfast. God those are good! Here are some things you can do on your own though that are reasonable.

Weapons training:
There are gun clubs in all areas. Take a saturday and seek one out. Pay for a day and fire some guns! The real world is very unlike Halo. Hitting a target through the scope of a 30/30 is a lot harder then you would think. Blasting away with two .45 caliber pistols like Neo is probably not going to land you many hits. Instead, fire a shotgun at some traveling targets. Ask some one to help you. More often then not you will find lots of guys willing to share their knowledge. Fire some hand guns. Both revolvers and automatics. Fire a rifle. Learn how they all work and where each are appropriate. All three have different jobs. The one you want to focus on is the Shot Gun. At the end of the day, you will have a lot more knowledge then the average joe, have some decent experience with a fire arm, and feel pretty darn content. Its theraputic! This will come in handy later.

More weapons training:
Now it is time for training with hand weapons. You are not a swordsman. You are not Conan. You probably do not own a sword. If you did own a sword, it is probably not useful as a weapon. In other words, forget the image of Butch from Pulp Fiction with the Samurai sword. Useless. And odds are you will more likely slice off your own nose before severing any Zombie heads. I have seen sites offering any number of cool and oddly shaped zombie fighting blades. Dont bother. To see why, take an Axe, an item designed to cut wood, and go out to a forest. Try chopping a tree. Notice how it gets stuck and requires force to pull it out? Well, imagine that happening to your super cool zombie killing slayer sword while there is another zombie coming from behind the first...

I suggest two types of weapons that are easily procured, probably from the neighbors garage. First of all, a simple club. Get your self a good, heavy aluminum bat. Probably even better still is a length of strong pipe. In case you did not know, a length of good pipe is more structurally sound then an equal length of solid metal rod. Lighter too. So get your self a beat stick. In a pinch, a wooden bat will do, or a piece of 2x4 if you have nothing else until you find better. Go out to some woods, set up a target dummy... you can make it out of posts, old clothes, hay bails whatever you can get your hands on. Practice swinging at the head to see if you can hit it. Better yet, sprint 30 yards, then practice swinging at the head. Even better still, have a buddy hold the dummy up for you on a stick. Run 30 yards, then try to hit the head of a dummy that your buddy is moving up and down. That is a skill you can master in a shorter time, and will take you a lot further then becoming a black belt. (Which you probably will not do any way.)

Oh and a word on targeting Zombies with your pimp stick. The head may seem like the natural target. However, I am not entirely sure that is the case. Zombies cannot be knocked out. They are zombies. It is my opinion that hitting them in the shin and arms will be a more valuable use of your time. Shatter those bones! A zombie, though still a ravenous soul hungry eating machine, cannot walk on shattered legs. It cannot grab you with shattered arms. Remember, survival depends on getting away, not slaying zombies. Knock em down. Move on. Sweep the legs!

The other handy weapon will be the garage variety timber axe. The kind most dads buy, use 3 times then hang on a wall in the tool shed. Even dull it is a formidable weapon. It usually had a flat edge on the back of the head that can double as a pimp stick, though the shape of the handle may hinder that. If you do end up in a situation where you or a friend has immobilized a zombie, now is the time to lop off its head with your choppa. Oh, and it is useful to cut wood too.

If you are really feeling manly, grab the sledge hammer! But I suggest this only if you have a partner. The bat or pipe is quicker, but there is nothing like a sledge hammer to bring a satisfying crackle and shatter to a couple of shin bones.

So, you got your weapons training. You can hit a moving target with a shot gun. You have fired a pistol and a rifle. You can take a zombies legs out from under it after running a block. You are now one step closer to surviving the 1st hour of The Zombie Apocalypse!

Oh, by the way, the guy in the picture skewering a zombie with an IV pole... forget it. There is no way he is going to push the blunt end of that pole through the rib cage organs and back of the ribcage of a moving zombie.

Jawaballs

Are you ready for the Zombie Apocalypse? I sure am.

So last night, I finished my Baal Predator Golden Daemon entry ... well almost... :) And forced myself to drop the brush and go to bed at about midnight... I get up at 6am for work so I have only been giving myself 4 or 5 hours of sleep the last two weeks because I tend to lie in bed thinking about... things. Lately, it has been my GD entries. I visualize how they will look, how to change them, what I have time to do etc. Basicly, I am painting them in my mind!

But I need a break once in a while. Last night, I turned off the TV and forced my mind to switch gears. What do I think about then? Well, the Zombie Apocalypse of course! The impending encroachment of lifeless, brain eating undead is a popular diversion for me and my old friends. We spent many a night around our campfire coming up with The Zombie Contingency and putting it to written document form. Every one should have one... However, the problem is that now I live a good 6 hours from most of my friends. I am seperated... divided... away. Last night, I began reorganizing my personal Zombie Contingency. And this is the first post in that series.

I know, there have been books written about this stuff, but I have not read them.

So, where shall I begin? With step one of course! Survival in the first hour of a Zombie Apocalypse. Well no, actually that will be step two. Step one is Be Prepared. In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, you need to be prepared. That will make the difference between you and the 'meat'. Perhaps the most important thing you can have, besides a plan, is a Ready Bag. I have three. No kidding! One in my apartment, one in my car, and one in my class room. Your ready bag does not need to be extravagant or expensive. Here is what you need.

A backpack. This can be a small cheap one.
Bottled Water.
Trail Mix, two kinds, the one with all the dried fruit, and the one with the MnMs.
Extra Underwear
Mini first aid kit.
cotton and wool socks
a pair of Light Shoes. I keep some old Converse All-stars or Adidas Gazelles in mine.
Lip Balm
Science lab safety glasses
Multi Tool
matches
flash light
rubber gloves
cargo shorts
belt
tee shirt
toilet paper

Now, your ready kit is NOT intended to be your survival pack. In the event of a Zombie apocalypse, the world will go to shit and you will be able to get that stuff pretty easily. More on that later. Plus it is impractical to keep a survival pack on hand at all times. A small back pack in your trunk is reasponable.

So, extra underwear are a must. Change them often... we dont want you getting Swamp Ass while walking miles in the summer heat. Cotton and wool socks serve the same purpose. Change your socks, keep them dry. Your feet are your most valuable commodity and you will need them to be tip top!

Why shoes? Ever see Die Hard? John McClain running through broken glass bare foot? 28 Days Later? Jim walking through London in hospital booties? You never know might may happen, but you may find yourself with no shoes on when the zombies strike. It takes way to long to stop and put them on. That is why you just grab your ready bag and run. When you find a safe spot, take a moment to put on your socks and shoes! If you need to, put on your cargo shorts and tee shirt and belt. You may have been in bed, naked or taking a dump... now is a good time to use that TP. :)

Mini First Aid kit... in your initial flight, you may be barefoot and suffer some minor scratches. Here is where you use the mini first aid kit. Disinfect and clean your feet. You cannot have infection! Cover any open cuts now. You dont want accidental contact with zombie blood getting into open sores. The MFAK is not intended to be a triage or life saving device. It is intended to help you survive the first hour of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Lip balm? I have about 48 active chap sticks scattered about. It is good for your lips, but also, most of us are out of shape, and after hours of prolonged exertion we may start chafing in certain areas... for example, our nipples on the inside of our shirts or our elbows. Lip balm can help this... Just rub it on the chaffed areas and continue on your way to survival.

The safety glasses and rubber gloves are precautionary. You may be put in a situation where it is necessary to get mid-evil and blood starts flying. You dont want zombie blood flying into your eyes! Also the gloves will protect your hands. It would not hurt to get yourself one of those white paper Sars masks to keep it out of your mouth. If you want to survive the first hour of The Zombie Apocalypse, put them all on. In a pinch, ski goggles, sun glasses etc may also work and add some nondorky style to boot. They will also protect your eyes if you are forced to run through woods. Have you ever run through over grown woods? It is not like in Friday the 13th. There are a million little branches, saplings and other assorted hazards that love to poke you in the eye. The glasses will be invaluable in giving you the edge. Remember, you dont need to be the fastest runner to survive the first hour of the Zombie Apocalypse, just be faster then the guy...er... meat next to you. While he is being slowed down from being hit in the eyes by underbrush... you are cruizing right through it with your ventilated science glasses.

Multi tool is always useful. I keep one in my car, my desk at work, my desk at home, and in my ready packs. A cheap Coleman one from wal-mart will do for now.

You can never discount the little flashlight too, the one that comes in a belt holster. When you get time, put them both on your belt.

The rest of the stuff is obvious. matches and or a lighter are good to have along with some lighter fluid. Mostly, to start distraction fires to lure the zombies away from where you are trying to go.

Im sure there are many more items that should be in the ready pack, but these are the things I feel are most necessary to get you through Step One: Surviving the First Hour of the Zombie Apocalypse, which will be my next post. More to come!