Sometimes you just have to laugh!

I received the following spam mail today:

Dear beloved friend,
I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, I came across your email contact from my personal search and I instructed the doctor here in this hospital to help me email you and I believe that you will be honest to fulfil my final wish before I will die. I am Madam Gloria Caldwell from LONDON, I am 65 years old, I am deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, which also affected my brain. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage. 
I was brought up in motherless baby’s home, and was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband and I are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he died in a fatal motor accident. Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $3.2million dollars with a Bank. 
Presently, this money is still in the BANK, and the management just wrote me as the Legitimate beneficiary to come forward to receive the money after keeping it for so long or i issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over as a result of my illness, or they get it confiscated. Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment.
I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested in any organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, the poor and the motherless baby's home where I come from. 
I want your good humanitarian, to also use t his money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option. I hope you will help see my last wishes come true. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK. I will also issue you a letter of authority, which will prove that you are the new beneficiary of my funds.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. 
Hope to hear from you soonest. 
waiting your reply

yours in Christ,
Mrs Gloria Caldwell
Lol. I can't believe that people fall for this stuff. Sadly they must, otherwise these scumbags would just give up sending these emails! 

Sorry Gloria. I won't be responding. Instead I will make fun of you and your deaf-mute brain cancer ass.  First of all, you write worse than some the 12 year old hoods in my school. And that is bad. I suggest getting a better translator program for whatever language it is that you Somali Pirates speak.  Or learning English. 

But let me ask a few questions! First of all, how did you come up with my name in your "personal search"? You do the gaming community proud to know that you include us in your exhaustive efforts to find the right candidate for your millions.

But also, how the heck do you know that I am the right candidate? You decided from all of the possible candidates that could receive your cash that I was the perfect choice? How? Based on what? The fact that I make videos teaching people how to paint Blood Angels? 

What kind of hosiptal are you in where doctors take time out of their day to help patients write emails? Man that Universal Health Care in the UK is something!  I wish I lived in LONDON.  At least I know where to go to die. I'm sure your courageous doctors were right with their summation that you will be dead in the next two months because your cancer stage has reached it's "critical" stage.  (Sort of like this post)

I have to say that you have me a little confused. How the heck did a motherless baby have a home? But I have to say you did well for yourself! The homeless daughter of a motherless whore, finding some rich dude to marry at 45 and living the good life. You would do Little Orpan Annie proud! But I question the callousness with which you refer to the recent death of your husband of 20 years! I mean, being a true christian you must have loved him right? For you to so matter of factly report on his condition in a horribly ungrammatically correct email to a complete stranger makes me wonder about just what kind of person you are! Especially if you are leaving the honor up to ME to see that your money be given away to churches and babies.  You tart.

And are you daft? You inherited an estate, and sold it off? I guess you really did love that husband!  Man 20 years of lurking just to cash in when he died. You are like Lex Luther! (New Superman Movie reference) 

Now, I am totally confused by an entire paragraph of your letter:

"Presently, this money is still in the BANK, and the management just wrote me as the Legitimate beneficiary to come forward to receive the money after keeping it for so long or i issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over as a result of my illness, or they get it confiscated. Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment."
While England must have great health care, what kind of bank would confiscate your money?  And you are not the legitimate beneficiary, if you deposited the money into the bank, you are the OWNER. It is your money. They are not going to write you a letter threatening to confiscate it. Obviously some one of your stature should have a lawyer that could tell you the same thing, or in fact, write you a will and find you a new beneficiary? And they would definitely not print the fact that you are almost dead of cancer and they are holding it against you! 

I guess I am lucky that despite your loss of vocal prowess, brain function and the ability to hear, your fingers work fine and you have the use of your laptop, otherwise I would never have had the pleasure of reading this.

Thankfully for me, you found me, and were able to type.  I understand that you cannot talk or hear, so of course we will never speak, but I will definitely send you my bank information and social security number right away and be looking for the 3 million bucks deposited shortly.
Thank you.
Honestly guys, if any one is stupid enough to fall for these, they deserve to have their bank accounts emptied.  


Julian McPherson said...

wait...that was fake!?

SandWyrm said...

It's even more entertaining when you get trolled by a Russian bride wannabe. Poor Olga, I'll miss your progressively more scantily clad pictures and your form-letter intimacies. But it just got too silly for me to continue. :)

Anonymous said...

Those doctors were so courageous in telling an old woman she has two months to live. Man, that really takes guts.

Also, I noticed BANK was always completely capitalised like that. Now maybe I just don't know much about England's banks, so maybe that's an acronym for some government-sponsored bank? Like British Aggregate of National Kurrency (because Britain really likes that new Mortal Kombat game)?

But you know what, Jawa? I don't think she wants to give the money to you. It says "I want your good humanitarian, to use t his money..." So she wants your humanitarian to use his money (I'm assuming T is what she called her husband, definitely not that "t his" was supposed to be "this"), not you. Sorry, man.

Student Teacher said...

If I had an extra 3.2 mil, I'd give it to you Jawa. You've got an honest face...

Or is that Brent? Nevermind...

Saim Hann Blog said...

well, what I find quite amusing is the since my email (personal one) ends in I have an exact copy of this email, but with all English references changed to American references!

The sad thing is, some people will actually fall for this...

artstthms said...

you know there are some honest working, honorable people who unfortunately ARE stupid(or just unexposed) enough to fall for these kind of things. especially older people. So while i find your remarks amusing and humorous i would maybe change your last statement about anyone stupid enough to fall for this deserves to have their bank accounts emptied because just imagine a big hearted fool who really thought he was doing something great just lost all his life savings... then again... maybe he would just think he still did something great. i don't know, I'm drunk from karaoke night.

Jawaballs said...

Saim Hann maybe they are sisters? ANd any one else, sorry if I offend. Just having fun!

Jawaballs said...

I also have to say that while my calling people who fall for this stupid might be offensive, there is also a sort of appeal to our underhanded side in 99% of these letters. It is fairly obvious to me that most of these letters involve some sort of shady deal, or at the least the opportunity to be shady. This one for instance calls on the person to be honorable and do the right thing by giving the money to churches and widows. How many of the people who respond to this email do so with those intentions? Or how many think they are just scoring a lucky pay day.

The Inner Geek said...

We'll see whose laughing when I have 3.2 million dollars and you don't! Or should that be 3.2 million British Pounds Sterling? Did she take conversion rates into account already?

And to Sandwyrm, I knew Olga was two timing me, I just had no idea it was with you! I've found if you write back and tell them how poor and humble your lifestyle is, the Russian/Ukrainian chicks will leave you alone.

oni said...

Oh man... I wish I got funny emails like that. I'd laugh my arse off all the way to the BANK.

At least Mrs Gloria Caldwell was kind enough to take the time to do a currency exchange conversion from GPB to USD.

Tacticalwithdrawal said...

you mean she's not going to send me $3.2 million?

oh @$££"&%$@

knightyc said...

hey jawa did you get the pics I sent you of Dante?

I just send these emails to spam I usualy get a few through my yahoo spam filter they are bloody annoying.

Anonymous said...

I'm from/in England. Personally I like the 'Madam' bit.

I know there are some out there that think it's all Mary Poppins and 'how do you do' but this is the 21st century. We even have a television in our village.

Tacticalwithdrawal said...

You got TV?!!!

I thought all of England was Morris dancers and Ye Olde Shoppe....

Mind you I live in Scotland and am about to. be burned at the stake for using magic to power my box of words.....

GraemePaul said...

I'll give you 3.2mil Jawaballs. Just deposit XXXXX into this numbered, offshore account so I know its you and we can get started...

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